Do we really need time and patience to feed our kids??

A dear sister and well wisher of mine has read my previous blog post on introducing food to our little one’s and raised a valuable point which didn’t occur to me while writing it. That is, the incredible amount of time and patience needed while feeding our kids. I thought that it’s a very important point that needs attention and to be addressed as it’s not just hers but many parents around me, you and probably around the world.

My views on this topic may offend some of you or your belief systems, which is never my intent. I want to get it straight anyway to help our future parents and kids. The answer is Yes!! And No!! Are you confused?! Let me make it clear to you. The answer depends upon what actually your focus is on. Now let me ask you a quick question, what is your focus on? Is your focus on just making them eat food somehow? or build and train their habits around food time? If your answer is yes to somehow make them eat food, then you require a lot of time and patience as you will have to constantly find ways to entertain and feed them. If your answer is yes to consciously building and training their habits around food time, then you need to have little time, patience and consistency to train and follow the routine until they get used to it which doesn’t take long, as kids are very flexible and adaptable naturally. The first road will take you through different rides such as stress, anger, anxiety, self pity, punishments, etc. The second road will take you to rides such as peace, enjoyment, sense of fulfillment, happiness once you successfully built their habits around food. 

Are you still with me!? Okay! Now I want you to understand that this topic is interlinked with many other things that need attention because these are some of the key points that need to be taken care of if you want to have a stress-free food time routine with your kids . So here we go:

Note: Get yourself a glass of water and little patience to read further 😉 

1. Have a designated place. Having a designated place with no other distraction is very important to begin with. We often don’t pay attention to it. Let’s say you have a very important report or an assignment to submit. What do you do? You either go out to the library or into a room or place that has least distraction so that you can focus better. That’s the power of having a designated place and this doesn’t just apply for work but also other aspects of life such as feeding your kids. Help them to get tuned with the routine, by letting them sit on a high chair or a specific place while giving them a meal or a snack. Making them sit on a high chair will limit their movement in a good way which in turn helps them to focus better on what’s in front of them, i.e food. Also make sure that you cleared up all the potential distractions such as toys, screens or toys with sounds or anything that you feel would distract them around that place. Try and make sure to give them a calm, non-distracting and comfortable place which allows them to just focus on food.

Don’t pay attention to anyone who passes comments such as “oh…you tied him/her up to the chair?”. And making sarcastic humor by asking the kid “did your mom tie you up to the chair ? poor you!”. This is clearly a negative way of looking at things so avoid having such energy around you. Limiting movement is not bad after all, because let’s look at it this way, imagine that you went everywhere that your mind took you, Exhausting right?? Since we have some physical limitations we can not go everywhere that our thoughts or mind takes us, which is good otherwise you would drain all your life energies just by traveling all those events or places that your mind takes. Understand that it’s a way to train your kid for meal time and there is nothing to feel bad about it.

2. Build a strong foundation. Foods that you introduce and the way you introduce also play a key role for the babies to build their habits around food and their taste palettes as I discussed in the previous blog post. Let’s say you started off by giving them one pot recipe that is finely mashed, or foods that have a little sugar/flavor added into it just to encourage them to eat which they didn’t ask for in the first place. As it is the very first experience for babies with solid food, that is unconsciously registered in their mind. Next time when you try giving them something that doesn’t hit the same level of experience in terms of taste, there is a high chance that they show little resistance which can give you a hard time. You will end up wondering why they are not eating even though it tastes good. The moment you convince yourself that the food is tasting good but he/she is resisting, then the monster-mom comes out of you, saying “hey open your mouth, it’s good eat! If you don’t eat, the monster will take you or I will have to hit you”. We possibly threaten them to eat worrying that they would go to sleep hungry otherwise. This is the very reason why I suggest you to introduce natural foods in the beginning so that our kids can experience the neutral tastes individually. And later when you introduce little flavorful foods they will be able to enjoy and accept both the neutrals and flavorful foods which is unlikely when you do it other way around.

Also introducing textures as early as they mastered eating mashed foods is very important. Here I would like to share a story of my dear friend who gave finely mashed food to her daughter for a really long time considering the child’s difficulty in swallowing textures and later when she tried to introduce some textures, the immediate response from the child was rejection as it is unfamiliar to her. So, she ended up giving mashed food for a really long time which consumed her energy and time in preparing food, not just that she ended up having stress from others’ comments and judgments around this situation .

Just to give you a perspective, let’s say an Indian woman met an Japanese guy and fell in love with him. One fine day the guy planned out a surprise candle light dinner and took her to one of the famous Japanese restaurants for sushi as he thought it would be cool for her to taste sushi. The girl had no clue of Japanese food so she couldn’t predict the tastes obviously. So what do you think her reaction would be after tasting the food? Yes!! Exactly.. The taste of sushi doesn’t match the taste of biryani for which her taste palette got used to all these years. So obviously she would either reject it or eat it reluctantly to satisfy her boyfriend but for sure she would not enjoy it.The unfamiliar is always scary to try or accept. Now you know what I am going to say, Yes!! This applies for kids too!!. So, let’s make the unfamiliar familiar :). 

3. Make sure to have a variety of foods. Routine foods might disinterest kids just like how we feel. You may say “what routine? I am making delicious curries and recipes for them but still they are testing my patience”. Sure! You are making delicious curries but you are still feeding it with rice, right? We ourselves get tired of eating rice every day and so do children. We can tell it out but they can not. Try alternating varieties like rice, oats, ravva, quinoa, steamed veggies, bread, pasta, noodles and tiffins (Indian) etc. Also, try to present it in a way that it attracts their attention as I mentioned in the tricks to overcome food time struggles blog post. This will keep up the kids enthusiasm around food and helps avoid stressed situations. It just requires little planning in the beginning and later you will become spontaneous at fixing food for your little one. Remember to add ingredients just to flavor food but not overdo it for taste (if you prefer to add any). Also prefer slightly roasted foods over deeply fried.

4. Let the child lead you. Consider the child’s appetite rather than what you think is the right amount. Do not ever compare her appetite with her friends or siblings. She may not be able to eat all at ones like her brother or maybe her appetite allows her to eat small portions multiple times. If you observe babies, their feeding patterns and timings are absolutely different from others. When Vismai was months old he used to drink milk for every three hours and sleep in between, whereas on the other hand my dear friend’s daughter used to cluster feed for every 45 mins. 

My sister was not a one go eater like me was often compared to me by others. Once my mom’s concern raised to peaks which made her think that may be my sister is doing it intentionally (as I was very big kid then :)) phew these mothers :P). My mom used to feed my sister every day so she knew that one dosa (Indian breakfast) is the maximum my sister could eat. Once, mom smartly layered dosas one on another and made it look like one dosa and started feeding her. Guess what happened?? To her surprise my dear sister ate only half dosa. OMG, ROLF :)). With this episode my mom felt sorry for my sister and understood the size of her appetite. Whereas on the other hand my sister was upset the whole day that she could only eat half a dosa thinking that there might be some problem within her body. She came home from college and raised her concern to my mom and came to know the naughty thing my mom did ;).

I would like to share another story that really struck in my head since I was a young girl. This was probably 20 years back when I was 12 years old living in a rented house with my family. The house owner had two daughters and two sons, all were married and had kids of their own. The first daughter has three daughters. Just to make the story easier let’s name the three daughters as pretty , Bubbly and Cutie. On a fine Sunday evening while we were playing, suddenly Bubbly realized that it was their meal time. She is a few years younger to me :), I clearly remember the event and every word that has come out of her mouth. It went this way…”OMG sister! It’s meal time” she said in a very terrified voice. I said “yes, what’s the matter??”. Here comes the fun part, in her words- “I hate it, my mom feeds us in a way that there is no room left in our mouths to chew food. She doesn’t even see that we are kids. She keeps force feeding us until she thinks it’s enough”. She continued with a voice of hope and disappointment- “sometimes I just feel it would be nice if the police put her in jail ( me: jaw dropped with surprise haha)”. Now you know that you need to be careful around your kids otherwise you might end up behind bars for real or in their imagination 😛 (just kidding). So here you have to consider two things that it’s not just us parents who get stressed, but also the children with our approach towards meal times.

So, considering our child’s appetite is very important while feeding them rather than expecting them to eat what you think is the right amount for them. Sometimes the body naturally rejects taking food just like those days we don’t feel like eating food for no reason as the body just wants to take rest and detoxify naturally. So, on those particular days give a break and respect their cues. Letting the child lead you would reduce your stress and save your time around food time as well as feeding them.

5. Time gap between meals and snacks. Our love towards our children blindfolds us in paying attention to small things such as the time gap between meals and snacks. When you just gave them a snack, do not expect them to have a meal anytime soon. We usually see in parties and gatherings that kids are given cakes and snacks first just to keep them going until dinner is served. But what happens is that they end-up having a little more as it interests them more and when it’s meal time then you see the race between parents and kids. So, please pay attention to the time gap between meals and snacks.

6. Encourage them to self feed. Encourage babies to self feed as soon as they mastered sitting on their own which is around 8 months old. Start by giving finger foods such as steamed veggies, fruits, soft cooked beans, crackers or snacks in a way they can easily pick up, hold and eat. This would help them to get comfortable and confident enough to feed themselves in future as well as feel the food and experience it by themselves, which in turn creates interest towards food and food time. Also, this helps them to train their sensory and motor skills. You may have a number of reasons to feed your children by yourself. You might be feeling that they are too young to feed by themselves (societal “mothers love” ;)). Maybe you have people in your life who take you through a guilt trip or shames you  by saying things like we fed children until so and so age, why are you being so lazy to feed your child etc. Maybe you are caught up in societal conditioning that motherhood and feeding your child is one of the fulfilling experiences or maybe you are a cleanliness freak who is obsessed with having a clean house, or tired of cleaning it again and again or living with a person who is obsessed with cleanliness. The reason could be anything, whatever it may be don’t surrender to it. 

Kids are capable of more than what we think. They have a natural tendency toward learning and trying different things. They master any skill when given time and opportunity. Help them get independent as early as possible, because kids love and enjoy being independent and also it helps them to be more confident while handling situations alone.

Also, give them freedom to play around a bit with food. I know it’s natural to get tempted toward correcting them to eat with their right hand or handle a spoon in a certain way. Keep your temptations aside for a bit as it becomes a task for them to impress you rather than enjoying food. When you feel it’s appropriate to tell him/her depending upon their understanding level, perhaps then you can guide them giving a reason rather than bluntly saying do what I say ;).

7. Let them learn the cause and effect. Cause and effect is a natural way of letting kids know that if they do something they will have to be ready to face the consequence of it. It’s never too early or too late to introduce this concept to our kids. You may say that it’s unfair they are just kids. But no, what’s unfair is threatening them, hurting them, punishing them or playing victim and blaming them for our impatience/anger toward them in any situation. Help them understand when they are going through the consequences. Just remind them gently with empathy that oh dear are you hungry? Come lets have a little food. While they are eating the food, tell them that next time, let’s eat on time so we can play longer without dropping off in the middle with hunger. Don’t ever make them feel low or powerless by saying “I told you to eat, you didn’t listen to me. Look what happened now, are you happy now? Etc”. Always keep in mind that empathy is the key. The situations involved with negative energy will be more remembered than the ones with positive. Let’s make it a pleasant experience for them and us rather than making it a task that needs to be completed on time with perfection. #empathy #peace guys ;).

8. It’s not just a mother’s thing. Parenting is a team play, it’s not a single woman show. Be it diaper changing, putting them to sleep, giving bath and putting clothes on to the child or feeding them for that matter need to be taken care of by both the parents. Make sure to communicate with your partner in a way that he understands that he has to play an active role if not equal in order to have a stress free environment around the child and home. What matters here is your partner’s opinion on your approach, and the rest of the people can romanticize their own stories and opinions in their heads. Taking the whole responsibility by yourself will add up to your stress which would someway reflect on your relationship with your kids and partner. Take a break for at least once a week, do what you love and enjoy, spend time with yourself and your loved ones who allow you to be you rather than expecting you to dance for their own tunes. Self-care is not selfish! Take care of yourself first, only then you can handle things with more harmony.

As a true believer and follower of conscious parenting, I always try to see every challenge that a situation throws at me as an opportunity to learn and fix myself rather than fixing my kid. Because he is not a problem to fix, he is a brand new life playing out full which we as adults have forgotten. I understand, at this point for him everything is a play which reminds me that life is just a play, you can either enjoy it or stress about the end results (going philosophical hmm.. ;)).

Anyway I want you to know that I only tell you what I follow. I have followed every single thing that I mentioned above, and trust me it will work given a chance. It’s up to you, whether to build their habits consciously or unconsciously. You know that you always have a choice and the results depend upon what you choose.

I thank you for taking time to read it through, which shows your openness towards the topic. I would love to know what you are thinking right now after reading this blog-post. Please don’t hesitate to share your opinions and experiences through your comments.

I am looking forward to knowing and learning through your methods. Let’s help each other toward making this parenting journey as amazing and as joyful as possible :).

See you next week!