How not to yell at your CHILDREN… say what!?, seriously?? ;)

OMG! I burst out loud laughing at myself writing the title of the post :)). Right now, your head might start saying, “Seriously!! Is there a way not to get irritated or yell at our children? You gotta be kidding me! Please, don’t let me start again, you don’t know my children, wait what? Did I just call them children?? Nooooo MONSTERS is the right word, they are pissing the hell out of me, I don’t know what to do, I am done!! this is going crazy argh!!” Shh shhh shhhh Ah!! I got you dear, I got you :). I empathise your situation and know exactly how you are feeling right now and  I also know how much you love and care for your children despite all the yellings and distress. All I want to tell you is you are doing great, you are trying to guide and help them to the best of your knowledge, and it’s natural and humanly possible to get irritated sometimes.

I admit, I admit that I yelled at my child a couple of times if not everyday. Although, I am more conscious when it comes to parenting, I do yell at him and show my distress to him sometimes. I forgive myself for losing my temper onto my child and also apologize to him for my behavior no matter how old he was.  

I remember it was May 2018, my little one was 4 months old. I woke up sleep deprived and attended to all his needs before mine. I was exhausted by afternoon and thought to have a little nap not realizing that Vismai (my dear child) will be awake soon. Vismai woke up and I fed him laying on bed. Now since his tummy is satisfied he wants to play. At this point he started rolling over and being a new mom I pulled myself up and sat on the bed to make sure that Vismai was on the bed safe. But, after an hour or so, I started trying to put him to sleep so that I can sleep too. All my efforts didn’t work and for the first time, for the very first time I yelled at my 4 months old baby saying “OMG, Vismai sleep!!”. It just took me a second to realize that it’s not Vismai’s fault, he had his dose of sleep and now he wants to play, fair enough right!?. I took him into my hands, hugged him saying it’s not his fault (I broke into tears). I apologized to him and told him why I behaved the way I did and told him that I didn’t mean to hurt him in any way.

The second time I showed my restlessness at my child when he was 7 months old for the very same reason in the very same way, do not ignore the fact that I am not just sleep deprived but was hungry too. At that time we were in India visiting our parents. My husband was a bit occupied with family responsibilities at this point and I am all by myself at his place. I apologized to my son and felt lonely at this point. I felt lonely because I realised that since Vismai’s birth I isolated myself from friends and family, I only used to talk to my family maybe for 5 minutes a day. When I went to India I might have expected subconsciously that people would be gentle and be empathetic of my situation. But to my surprise I was attacked with tons of comments and judgments. This to some extent affected me and my relationship dynamics with others including my husband which I will explain in the next post. This created stress within myself, and at one point all I wanted was a break from marriage and parenthood.

After returning from India, I found myself depressed and not responding to Vismai and my husband as compassionately as I was before. I constantly felt that I was missing me and myself considering the fact that I am investing all my life energies into marriage and motherhood. This led me to show restlessness onto my child now and then. All this time I know it’s not his fault, he is just being a kid and so I apologized to him every single time. At one point I felt that this is not ok, this is not me, I love my child and I don’t want to yell at him for whatsoever reason. This is ENOUGH. 

One day, I decided to take a break for a few hours just to sit with myself and process my emotions. I finished my work at home, fed my child by the time my husband returned home from work. I still remember the roller coaster of emotions in me on that day. I told my husband that I need some space and I am going out for dinner. I also told him not to message me or call me until I do one. He didn’t say anything but enjoy the evening with a smile :). This is the reason why I call him my angel husband, he is the most empathetic and understanding human being that I have ever met in my life. I went to a Thai restaurant which has a good ambiance, ordered food and sat down listening to pleasant music on my phone. As I started having my meal, I started recollecting the events when I lost my cool and started looking for an underlying cause/ a reason for my behavior. Upon processing my emotions I saw a pattern and understood that I lost my cool to 3 needs, which I labelled as triggering points for my behavior.  

1. Not having enough sleep or being sleep deprived 
2. Being hungry
3. Not having me-time

Now, this could be some of the three triggering points for many parents. I thought it’s important for you to know your trigger points because then you can avoid them in the first place. Ever since, I realised my trigger points, I made sure to have enough sleep, have a meal/snack on time just to keep me going with more ease, last but not the least spending time with myself i.e meditate and take time for at least 30 minutes walk every single day. This helped me to regain myself back and made me more compassionate and empathetic towards not just my kid but everyone around me. I respond to the events in my best consciousness when I take care of my trigger points.I think that we all are capable of squeezing out a little time for ourselves and our family well being just by cutting down our time on TV, social media, silly gossip or by organizing our day efficiently. 

Remember that it’s important for us parents to admit, address and process the emotions. Because, that’s how we understand that there is an underlying cause for every behavior, be it ours, or our childs. When you realize this, you no more see your child’s tantrum as a tantrum but as a way of expressing his/her hidden needs. Also, apologize to them no matter how old they are, this will not make you any less of a parent but rather shows them that how much you love them and care for their feelings. When they show a tantrum, hold them, look into their eyes with compassion and love, sit with them, give them some time and ask them what made him/her behave that way. Sometimes, even us adults want to be heard with no judgments and kids are not any less. 

All said and done, I still do react to my little human unconsciously rather than responding consciously. But, I soon come into observation mode and observe my feelings and try to process it. What I meant to say is that it’s an ongoing process, as we evolve through time emotions do evolve and challenge us in every possible way. But, don’t lose hope, just hold on to yourself and your kids 🙂 because practice makes progress. 

Remember the agenda here is not to conquer your emotions but to get comfortable and be friends with it :).

Warm Hugs to my dear lovely parents out there who came this far, because this show’s your commitment towards your children and their well being.

See you soon…… 🙂